The Ticker Shall "Tick" Another Day

I'll start by saying that I'm OK. I'm not going to stroke out, pass out or fall over dead...at least not because my heart gave out. Let me explain, all the while preserving my experience forever in the insignificant world of unread blogs:

I was feeling really run down; heart rate a little high, low energy and the ability to become winded in a relatively short distance. For Valentines day my lovely and thoughtful wife gave me an appointment with a cardiologist. Here's how the funny day transpired.

I showed up at the cardiologists office. Ever been to one of those??? A bunch of old dudes. By old I mean room ringing with hearing aid feedback, pants pulled up to the breasts and lots of trembling and shaking. Just my type of place. I stood out like Marilyn Manson at a Hillsong Revival.

After about 5 minutes these two really gorgeous young ladies came to the door and called my name. I wondered why it took two and guessed that by the look of most of their patrons, it probably usually took two. But who cared, they were both here for me...

They escorted me back to a dark little room. Typical medical small talk followed by the blood pressure cuff. At the same time, another of the ladies removed my shirt and began rubbing and then clamping to my nipples little electrodes. Nurse A on the blood pressure cuff was awash with a look of concern. Nurse B replaced her on the cuff pump and likewise wrinkled up her little nose. My blood pressure was high. They weren't sure if they could continue.

After I assured them that this was their one and only chance to examine me, they continued with the interrogation. "Sir, are you under any unusual stress?" "I'm a pastor...I live in stress. My mother-in-law has just been diagnosed with brain cancer and will be having emergency brain surgery in the morning. I have a 9 month old and a 3 year old...DUH! My life is a constant state of some sort of stress."

"Well have you done anything out of the ordinary today," asked Nurse B? Let's see, I shared a cup of coffee with 45 old dudes growing nose hair pony-tails, 2 hot 20 somethings escort me into a dimly lit room, they remove my shirt, rub me down and then clamp little electro-who-knows-what to my boobies...Gee, I dont think so, everything seems pretty much the norm....

"OK honey, well why dont you just hop up here and walk for us a while. We need you to get your heart rate up quite a bit, it'll probably take 15 minutes or so." On about step 38 with the "Eye of the Tiger" running through my mind, Nurse B says, "WOW! You can quit now."

"Lay down on this bed on your left side." I complied and then she squirted half a tube of KY jelly on me and began the ultrasound. About the first 15 seconds was nice. I might have even paid for that at Hot Springs, but exactly second 16 all heck broke loose. The KY lost its K and with it, all the lubricating properties that it possessed. GRINDING...GRATING...RAW!!!!!!!

I honestly felt like I was breast-feeding a pack of starving, wild wolves.

20 minutes later, a heart attack became the object of my deepest prayers. I hate to sound like a sissy, but even the words "Everything looks great!" didn't make me feel any better. I dont know if you can die from nipple irritation, but I am certain I was close.

At any rate, as I said before, everything turned out fine. My prognosis is that I'm way too young to be in this bad of a physical condition. Thus the exercise machine I blogged about a month or so ago.